moments – skyscraper sunset

Colectivo 15, 27 marzo 2017

“I want something just like this”

//

The sun is setting over the skyscrapers of the city, silhouetted in different shades of pink. Still astounded by the underside of the bridge, so intricately painted with colors and patterns, though nothing can rival the sky at this hour

Every time I come into Buenos Aires, it just makes me want to come back. It’s like every city I’ve ever lived in is subconsciously competing with all the others, but this one might just come out on top.
Where you wanna go? How much you wanna risk?

It’s all so enough. Not to say that there’s nothing I could change, but I feel so happy. Baby victories, making my own life here. That’s the cool thing about losing it all and creating from scratch – when you do it right, it’s so rewarding to know you did it.

moments – our love is not God

February 2017

“This Town” – Niall Horan / “Suburbia” – Troye Sivan

//

after feeling it all fall apart with the boy upstairs, visions of Heathers dance in my head

as I lie in the darkness, alone in bed. 
So scared of losing the God I used to idealize 

I know I’m supposed to draw, or sleep, but all I can do is wait and play these two songs on repeat 
Snow falls on the cold city outside my window 

where everyone I care about 

is out 

without me

Night lights

blue black and purple-grey clouds

obscure the illusory love with fog and doubt

Nostalgia embedded in every street of the blue neighborhood in California I used to inhabit

Was it ever real? The love Lana sings about? The one that matters, the one that I so badly want to feel

I always think I have it

until a month goes by, and it’s no longer ride-or-die. 
they were never what I wanted; it’s the idea I’ve always been in love with. 

desperately mourning something that never was

autumn

part I: whirlwind

the dream shattered,
the heat broke the streak,
water poured from the sky while the clouds swirled through time
and the trees shook in fear and wonder,
whirled by the wind coming from all directions.

And me?
I danced in the rain
until I came home to a friend
then went to a boy who gave me himself,
but was I enough?

I came home the next morning and fall had begun;
long sleeves and slow days of cooking and reading,
sipping tea and believing,
while outside the rain pours and the world spins, we watch and contemplate the changes

//

part II: cinnamon sunlight

the warm taste of cinnamon in my mouth
of apples and banana muffins and sweet kisses of kindness.
friends and loves and leaves.

we allow our colors and our minds to change with the weather
capricious as the cinnamon sunlight.
The golden-orange tones that brighten the parks and the mountain,
like the smile that lights up his face

like rain falls to the earth and leaves fall to the ground,
I fall into and out of love,
a container created by a metaphor,
a model for anthropomorphic human experience.

because love isn’t a place in which we can save ourselves
and autumn isn’t a state of nature but of mind.

and they’re two of the most beautiful concepts in the world,
rendered ever more valuable by their fleeting nature

//

part III: electric

aware, alert
alarm ringing at dark
before he or the streets can awaken, I part
flying to finish commitments at dawn
the curtains, the trees, so carefully drawn

fluorescent lights glowing
overflowing, inside
golden light shines
on the things that we hide

I chase secret, sacred sunrises
as light streams through slumbering city streets
the sun stretches her limber light
over the buildings,
the end of the night

I try to recreate the way the light shines
through the leaves and the streets, remember what’s mine
the way the world lights up,
electric

eternally enthralled by the red-orange glows
the way that my paintbrush catches and throws
all of the colors that compose
my city, my home
my love, my life
the days and nights

time passes
as the sun rises & sets
and the sky turns electric before the city does

We continue our cycles,
sleeping and waking,
growing then breaking,
harnessing energy
electri(city)

when the sky fades to dark and the lights come out,
the city dreams, and screams, and shouts

Releasing parts of ourselves,
we learn to go without
like the trees let their leaves
fall without a doubt

like the electricity that filled my body
for you
faded, evaporated
fizzled out

Electric, and alone
the sky alight
so beautiful,
so peaceful,
hold on tight

But it’s better just to be alone
than to wish you could be on your own,
right?

Tired as the nights grow longer
as I sleep less and less
And as the shadows grow, on edge
I try not to stress

how are you supposed to see
without electricity?
how are you supposed to feel
when you no longer know what’s real?

as the days get shorter
and crisper
and colder
ever more beautiful
ever more full

I can already taste the end of fall
the bittersweet dark chocolate and lavender calls
the scent of the pavement after rain pours
always hinting at something more

taking chances, the seasons cycle through
falling in love every month or two
always doubting what is true
never able to wait, for you