play pretend

I had to sleep with you every night so I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts 
of who I was 
& what I had done 

Together, we would pretend 
to be happy, fun, and deep 
until your breath softened and I knew you were asleep

Your life felt so happy, so calm
I kept myself too busy to think for too long

Maybe it was real 
to some degree
but we had no real responsibility 

Our love was summer camp
Pretend playing the people we wanted to be
It wasn’t reality

but you really did love me

If I had asked, would you have stayed with me?

//

I can’t see you being in my life again 
but I’m so grateful you were then

post-call from Recoleta

you said you loved me because we were about to hang up and it was something you felt like you should do. because we always do. 

whether or not it felt true

I know you still meant it

because of words exchanged
ages ago, what feels like so far away

that’s why they say it’s hard
that’s why they call it faith

I tell myself that I just have to breathe
& that I believe 
that you’re not gonna leave

isn’t it wild how the hardest thing 
is just trusting 
that you love me, no matter what 
whether or not I think deserve your love

// what’s love gotta do with it, when I don’t love myself?


post-call from Costa Rica

the way you talk when you’re vulnerable is full of pauses. you’re holding back so you don’t hurt. you say “I” and then you give a half laugh, your breath gets caught in your throat because you’re close to crying but you don’t want to let yourself, you second-guess yourself but you’re going to say it anyway – whatever it is. you’re so mad, you miss me, you’re sad or insecure or lost and don’t know how or what to do. because I hurt you

Light 3 – Sun

January 2018 – Costa Rica

The light disappeared slowly, then all at once over the horizon. It was like in the middle of the day when all I wanted was for the sun to go away because it was too strong and I didn’t want to burn but then it was gone

and I’m only left with stars

well, the fluorescent lights that replace them in the city night
that I thought were so pretty from afar
but they aren’t warm like you are

Light 2 – Fire

July 2017 – California

Some things are better from afar
So they can’t hurt you where you are
Fire, stars
My love, romanticized for my art

These things that seem to burn so bright, oh-so warm & full of light
Might just be more than you bargained for

To add another log
You stuck your hand in the flame
I had to be gone
You had me to blame

You burned yourself trying to keep us alight
While my flame had moved on to greener pastures last night

//

God, I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home

post-call from Panama

I, 12:15 AM, 6 February 2018:

Your hair sticks up & your eyes shine green w love & respect & admiration, so softly looking at me
and it’s so powerful. you have no idea how it feels to be looked at so lovingly, how it makes me want to be. I know you would do anything for me, you see & you love so very deeply

and I feel so warm and safe under your gaze, though I know you’re miles away. it’s the most spectacular thing, the best part of my life, still, to this day

II, 1:38 AM, 9 February, 2018:

because I never could have imagined this to be late night talks with the best of me.

talking through insecurities at midnight, cracking jokes during the daylight; spitting rhymes instead of goodbyes and your beautiful green/blue eyes transmitted thru low quality wifi.

I never could have imagined how happy this makes me feel, how what we have is still so wonderful and real. you’re still here, with me, regardless of the geography.

There are never words enough
but you will always be, my love

//

that’s the way every day goes, every time we have no control
If the sky is pink + white, everything will turn out alright
It’s the same way you showed me (shooowed me)
You showed me love
Glory from above