moments – our love is not God

February 2017

“This Town” – Niall Horan / “Suburbia” – Troye Sivan

//

after feeling it all fall apart with the boy upstairs, visions of Heathers dance in my head

as I lie in the darkness, alone in bed. 
So scared of losing the God I used to idealize 

I know I’m supposed to draw, or sleep, but all I can do is wait and play these two songs on repeat 
Snow falls on the cold city outside my window 

where everyone I care about 

is out 

without me

Night lights

blue black and purple-grey clouds

obscure the illusory love with fog and doubt

Nostalgia embedded in every street of the blue neighborhood in California I used to inhabit

Was it ever real? The love Lana sings about? The one that matters, the one that I so badly want to feel

I always think I have it

until a month goes by, and it’s no longer ride-or-die. 
they were never what I wanted; it’s the idea I’ve always been in love with. 

desperately mourning something that never was

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